Saturday, March 06, 2010

The Trinity

My friends at church know I have been trying to many years to understand this, and what it was. I would argue with many friends, family members and church friends.I found it a hard concept to believe in. Trinity is about belief and understanding without really knowing what it is.

Right now, today I have started to realize that you just have to believe. Not just say you do, but actually believe with every part of your being. I have always argued that no one can believe in such nonsense. But today it came to me, I heard that voice again. Yes a voice from above. I heard that voice on Thursday night while at my C.R.H.P. meeting. Lourdes started off the praying circle before we concluded the meeting.

Anyhow, back to topic. While listening to Lourdes prayer, I never like praying aloud along with my other sisters. Yes I might not feel feminine, but I do love calling the girls my sisters. Right, I've drifted again. Back to topic. The Trinity has always been non believable to me. How can you be three and one at the same time. It's not possible. For years, I mean years. I have been trying to understand the trinity since I lost my grandmother. I know she was my maternal grandmother, died. I thought I was going to love having her dead. She was one of the first to abuse me as a young toddler and child. For my first four years I spent my young years in her care.

Sorry, I going off on tangents. Her death was devastating to me. I found I wanted her back, I couldn't cope without her. I turned to Ian for advice. He told me to get with it, but he also said maybe I needed God. I thought he was out of his mind. Our childhood was raised in abuse and catholic people. I hated the faith and I hated God, well I didn't quite believe there was a God. I thought if God really existed he would have saved me, Ian and Michael from our abusive family. Anyhow.

I started to look into some other faiths, religions. I first tried Mormonism. I found I was learning about some things, but I couldn't live with my ciggies and caffiene. Which was in coffee and my Pepsi. Couldn't live without them. I found that the religion wasn't for me. Then I remembered the religion my grandmother was getting into at the time of her death. Jehovah Witnesses. I contacted the lock Kingdom Hall and started to have a study with them, going to the kingdom hall and found I was starting to believe in the faith. I liked that they didn't believe in the trinity and they never celebrate Christmas and Birthdays. Which was nice to have. But to become on of them, I have to go door to door canvasing about there religion.

Then I tried to see what it would take to become Jewish, which was not good. Please if you are Jewish I mean no offence. Just the religion wasn't for me. Then I was put into the mental ward in the local hospital. I was suffering from severe depression and suicidal tendancies. Anyhow I meet this nice guy, who I told about my grandmother and about my feeling of masculinity and he said he could get his pastor to come see me and have a talk with me. I wasn't sure I wanted to try another dumb religion. and (yes) I thought by this pint religion was dumb and stupid. I was about to give up all hope, but Colin told me maybe this pastor could help me in some way. I knew it wasn't going to work, but I wanted to give it a go.

Anyhow the next day Colin was released and he got his pastor, David to come see me. This pastor didn't wear a dog collar or any fancy black clothes or anything. he was just in casual clothes and he did sound sincere. I talk with David and decided when I got out I would try going to their church. It was a baptist church in Walderslade, Chatham. This was in England.

After going a few times, I went on a course called alpha. This gave you a book to help you study your bible and get closer to God. I was through with anything and everything to do with getting help for my mental health, so I was hoping to try anything.

I finally got baptised and became a full member of the church. I never felt whole or complete. I couldn't get my head around the trinity thing. But now I'm a catholic and for the first few years I didn't believe this trinity was explainable, to be honest I thought it was a load of crap and baloney. To be honest I didn't think anyone would explain what the trinity was to me, so I could actually believe and accept it. Until Thursday evening, I hadn't believed in much bit God was one unique being, Jesus was his son and came to save us from our sin, and the Holy Ghost was something I didn't ever understand.

Something just popped while Lourdes was praying, I was so confused before hand about lent and the trinity. I was so not sure why not eating meat on Fridays during lent was worth it. I must admit, I not a big meat eater. I prefer fish and chicken. People say chicken is meat, which I do agree. But when I tell people I can eat fish during lent. I get scolded for eating it as most see fish as a meat too.

Let me get back to the topic in hand. I know I keep rattling off on tangents all the time. But at least I am learning as I write this post. I know rattling off is something I shouldn't do, but what the hay. Right, back to Thursday night. While Lourdes was saying her prayer, I was listening to her, when I heard a voice. and people who know me, I have voices in my head all the time. But his voice was different. It sounds gentle and it felt like I was hearing a voice of an angel. It's something I can't explain. 

This voice explained to me, that if I believe in him (God) and Jesus then I should believe in the Holy Ghost. I was like get out my head. But the voice persisted and I just had to forget hearing Lourdes and trying to ignore this heavenly voice, which was so hard to get out my head. Then it started to talk in Dutch, then Russian. I thought what is going on in my head. I was hearing this voice telling me to trust God and Jesus, then accept the Holy Ghost was their spirit, that would live in me and guide me when I needed their help most. I was trying to forget the words I was hearing, but they were kind of angelic in tone, like I was hearing God or Jesus talk to me. I opened my eyes, hoping to see one of the girls talking to me. Then I actually believe i was actually hearing God's voice. and I started to pay attention to the words. While I listened my turn to pray came up. I wanted to just pass like I usually did every time.

I started to say the words that i was hearing, I was praying out aloud for the first time in a long while. Then after I said my prayer I went silent and let the next in the circle to pray. Wanting to hear Amy pray, I heard the voice, which was now drowning out Amy's voice. The angelic voice was explaining the trinity. While listening to this voice. I started to realise that I was on hearing I was actually learning to believe and not try to analyse everything all the time. If I couldn't analyse and show facts for which was happening, I would say it was impossible. But then, thinking about the words and then realising that I was actually believing with my whole heart, soul and every part of my being to just trusting in God and Jesus and the Holy Ghost. I just put my trust in God and started to just accept that God, Jesus and the Holy Ghost were just things to believe and trust in God to reveal to me in time. I believe that God wanted this to happy, he has work for me to do.

I believe God, Jesus and the Holy Ghost are one, and also three. I know I could have just believed and trusted in God, but I feel what happened at Lourdes' house had to be. It was fate as I call it. I have always wanted to be a writer of gay or transgendered fiction for adults or/and young adults (12-25yrs old audience). I'm now realising that I have to let God guide my mind, words and writing in his hands and I will become a good, no a great writer one day. I have to let him guide my hand, let my words speak from my heart and soul in which his Holy Ghost resides in.

Friday, March 05, 2010

Lenten Season

Last night meeting at Lourdes house was very enlighting and really good. I know I had two glasses of her Irish Cream booze, but I felt that I got some things out there to the girls which helped me a lot. Yes I am thankful for having God and Jesus and being Catholic. There are a few things I hope the girls will help me with, that's getting the word out that about this blog and about my journey to be a better person and how you can learn from others and get a closer connection with God.

At first I wasn't going to convert to being a catholic, due to my upbring and my biological family and their abuse to me for many years. Now that I have been in Indy for nearly five years I have found during that time that friends who aren't Catholic or Christians have gone by the way side. Now I am making new friends online and friend in my church I am finding these sort of friends are willing to help you and stand by your side whether or not they agree with your way or how you get your message across about what you wanna say or do.

Last night I actually felt part of the team for a while since my first C.R.H.P. retreat. Yes I was railroaded into going, but it helped me understand that I needed God in my life and that without him I wasn't being to be able to be guided or healed via therapy or any other way from the abuse. Yes I can be a major brat and mainly sassy towards my sisters, but they are all good people and if you ever need help, they are there for you 100%. Which for the first time in my life is good.

I do want to get a closer connection to God during this Lenten season. I am trying my best to read my bible once a day and saying a prayer once a day too. My sisters are good and wholesome girls. They mean the world to me, even if I hate praying out aloud most of the time. I felt God nudging me last night to pray, which had never happened to me in a long time. I felt God was there for me, and while praying I heard his voice. Yes I actually heard his voice talk to me. I don't care what people say. I heard him and if anyone says I'm crazy or need locking up or something along those lines so be it. they can go rot for all I care.

Heard his voice, it was scary and very frightening at first. But then I just let him talk while I prayed. He guided my words and I felt so loved. I was so thrilled to be there and have him guiding my words and helping me with my writing and prayers as I feel confused and lost about what I want to pray about. But I know if I ask him to with my whole heart, my whole soul, my whole being and mind he will guide my words in prayer, in my writing abilities and in life in general.

I do know this if anyone reading this blog, if you want to learn more about God, Jesus or the Holy Ghost you need to pray and ask for strength, guidance and his presence to come into your heart and your every being so he can work wonders with you. Let him guide you, let him show you. But most of all let him tell you and be ready to listen to his words. Just remember he is there for you, even if your biological or not biological family and friends tell you otherwise. DON'T listen to them, listen to God and his word and let that hard heart soften and come to love God and his love for you.

If people are telling you not to listen, forget them listen to him, he is all you need to feel whole and complete. Without God, Jesus or the Holy Ghost, you will be lost, alone and forgotten. Let him guide you, show you his massive heart and his long arms to hold you close. If you need to be carried for a while on your journey, he will hold you and guide your steps till you are ready to be able to stand on your own feet. REMEMBER he will always be right beside you, even if you don't pray or listen to him. He is there, all you have to do is reach out and take a hold on hi loving, guiding arms of love and friendship he has for all his children.

NOTE: You don't have to be Catholic to have God or Jesus in your daily life. It helps, but just being a Christian and following God is all you need. Use his words, the Bible, his Manual to our lives today. It may seem outdated, but it isn't. It's God word so we can one day return to him and be forever in his loving, guiding arms of love and friendship.

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