Right now, today I have started to realize that you just have to believe. Not just say you do, but actually believe with every part of your being. I have always argued that no one can believe in such nonsense. But today it came to me, I heard that voice again. Yes a voice from above. I heard that voice on Thursday night while at my C.R.H.P. meeting. Lourdes started off the praying circle before we concluded the meeting.
Anyhow, back to topic. While listening to Lourdes prayer, I never like praying aloud along with my other sisters. Yes I might not feel feminine, but I do love calling the girls my sisters. Right, I've drifted again. Back to topic. The Trinity has always been non believable to me. How can you be three and one at the same time. It's not possible. For years, I mean years. I have been trying to understand the trinity since I lost my grandmother. I know she was my maternal grandmother, died. I thought I was going to love having her dead. She was one of the first to abuse me as a young toddler and child. For my first four years I spent my young years in her care.
Sorry, I going off on tangents. Her death was devastating to me. I found I wanted her back, I couldn't cope without her. I turned to Ian for advice. He told me to get with it, but he also said maybe I needed God. I thought he was out of his mind. Our childhood was raised in abuse and catholic people. I hated the faith and I hated God, well I didn't quite believe there was a God. I thought if God really existed he would have saved me, Ian and Michael from our abusive family. Anyhow.
I started to look into some other faiths, religions. I first tried Mormonism. I found I was learning about some things, but I couldn't live with my ciggies and caffiene. Which was in coffee and my Pepsi. Couldn't live without them. I found that the religion wasn't for me. Then I remembered the religion my grandmother was getting into at the time of her death. Jehovah Witnesses. I contacted the lock Kingdom Hall and started to have a study with them, going to the kingdom hall and found I was starting to believe in the faith. I liked that they didn't believe in the trinity and they never celebrate Christmas and Birthdays. Which was nice to have. But to become on of them, I have to go door to door canvasing about there religion.
Then I tried to see what it would take to become Jewish, which was not good. Please if you are Jewish I mean no offence. Just the religion wasn't for me. Then I was put into the mental ward in the local hospital. I was suffering from severe depression and suicidal tendancies. Anyhow I meet this nice guy, who I told about my grandmother and about my feeling of masculinity and he said he could get his pastor to come see me and have a talk with me. I wasn't sure I wanted to try another dumb religion. and (yes) I thought by this pint religion was dumb and stupid. I was about to give up all hope, but Colin told me maybe this pastor could help me in some way. I knew it wasn't going to work, but I wanted to give it a go.
Anyhow the next day Colin was released and he got his pastor, David to come see me. This pastor didn't wear a dog collar or any fancy black clothes or anything. he was just in casual clothes and he did sound sincere. I talk with David and decided when I got out I would try going to their church. It was a baptist church in Walderslade, Chatham. This was in England.
After going a few times, I went on a course called alpha. This gave you a book to help you study your bible and get closer to God. I was through with anything and everything to do with getting help for my mental health, so I was hoping to try anything.
I finally got baptised and became a full member of the church. I never felt whole or complete. I couldn't get my head around the trinity thing. But now I'm a catholic and for the first few years I didn't believe this trinity was explainable, to be honest I thought it was a load of crap and baloney. To be honest I didn't think anyone would explain what the trinity was to me, so I could actually believe and accept it. Until Thursday evening, I hadn't believed in much bit God was one unique being, Jesus was his son and came to save us from our sin, and the Holy Ghost was something I didn't ever understand.
Something just popped while Lourdes was praying, I was so confused before hand about lent and the trinity. I was so not sure why not eating meat on Fridays during lent was worth it. I must admit, I not a big meat eater. I prefer fish and chicken. People say chicken is meat, which I do agree. But when I tell people I can eat fish during lent. I get scolded for eating it as most see fish as a meat too.
Let me get back to the topic in hand. I know I keep rattling off on tangents all the time. But at least I am learning as I write this post. I know rattling off is something I shouldn't do, but what the hay.
This voice explained to me, that if I believe in him (God) and Jesus then I should believe in the Holy Ghost. I was like get out my head. But the voice persisted and I just had to forget hearing Lourdes and trying to ignore this heavenly voice, which was so hard to get out my head. Then it started to talk in Dutch, then Russian. I thought what is going on in my head. I was hearing this voice telling me to trust God and Jesus, then accept the Holy Ghost was their spirit, that would live in me and guide me when I needed their help most. I was trying to forget the words I was hearing, but they were kind of angelic in tone, like I was hearing God or Jesus talk to me. I opened my eyes, hoping to see one of the girls talking to me. Then I actually believe i was actually hearing God's voice. and I started to pay attention to the words. While I listened my turn to pray came up. I wanted to just pass like I usually did every time.
I started to say the words that i was hearing, I was praying out aloud for the first time in a long while. Then after I said my prayer I went silent and let the next in the circle to pray. Wanting to hear Amy pray, I heard the voice, which was now drowning out Amy's voice. The angelic voice was explaining the trinity. While listening to this voice. I started to realise that I was on hearing I was actually learning to believe and not try to analyse everything all the time. If I couldn't analyse and show facts for which was happening, I would say it was impossible. But then, thinking about the words and then realising that I was actually believing with my whole heart, soul and every part of my being to just trusting in God and Jesus and the Holy Ghost. I just put my trust in God and started to just accept that God, Jesus and the Holy Ghost were just things to believe and trust in God to reveal to me in time. I believe that God wanted this to happy, he has work for me to do.
I believe God, Jesus and the Holy Ghost are one, and also three. I know I could have just believed and trusted in God, but I feel what happened at Lourdes' house had to be. It was fate as I call it. I have always wanted to be a writer of gay or transgendered fiction for adults or/and young adults (12-25yrs old audience). I'm now realising that I have to let God guide my mind, words and writing in his hands and I will become a good, no a great writer one day. I have to let him guide my hand, let my words speak from my heart and soul in which his Holy Ghost resides in.