Thursday, March 25, 2010

Inspiration From Music

All the morning, I was sleeping most of it. I was tired and exhausted from the late night. Yeah I spent some time with Emma posting to our group and just chatting to 2am in the morning. Now it's 1:49pm and I'm just about up and ready to face the world. I know going to bed that late isn't good for you. The thing is if I stay up late, I end up sleeping better and getting a good quality mount of sleep. Not that I don't go to bed early, if I have an appointment the night after.

I ahve been downloading some music and this has been relaxing me quite a bit. The thing is the music titles and words are giving me thought to think about where I am in life and what I wanna do about the journey I'm now taking with God and my whole identity issues. I have left the choice in Gods hands now as I do want to change, but I know that if I make the decisions I will go down the wrong path. Leaving it in God's hands is what I know I need to do. I hate the thought of not being able to change, but I know God loves me for who I am and knows me down till the atoms that make me, me!

Catholic Vs Gender Dysphoria

I have come to get a closer look at my faith and my gender issues. I was at a church meeting tonight, I so wanted to tell the girls I was a gay male, but knew they might not understand. After listening to Helen's family problems so I knew it wasn't time to come out to my friends. I so longed for my girls to know the real me, and what I go through every single day. I wanted to tell my church friends about my true identity. Being a gay male inside a female body was torture every single minute. Wanting support and guidance from my friends, but knew it wasn't time. 

I got home around 9:40pm and I talked with my partner before they went to bed for the night. They have work in morning. Right now I am watching some crime show on you-tube. This is getting my mind of the thought of nightmares about my partners mother and her surgery. I want to find something inside myself to understand and tell the people in my life, that mean the world to me that I was hiding a dark secret. I wanted to ask God for help and guidance, but wasn't sure it would help. My thoughts keep going back to Helen and being there for her. 

I finally decided to pray about my feelings about my gender Identity and dealing with being a catholic and maybe changing my body to match my soul, mind and feelings. I know many people like me have the courage to change, but me, no chance of having that courage. I just want to be free to be me and let friends know how troubled I feel each and every day in the last ten years.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Words or Emotions?

I have found a music site, well not found, but I became a member of this site and now I'm, planning on building a PlayList.Com with christian songs and put them onto this blog. Yeah, this blog is gonna be the start of my ministry in the world. I one day will become a missionary. Yeah, I know me, a disabled person be a missionary. well I believe God is guiding me to show people in my life, that I've always told I would never amount to anything. Boy was I way off beat. God has shown me this Lenten season, that he has a mission for me and my partner. Yeah, I hate to admit this, but I have found God signalling that I have a job for his glory, not mine.

One day I will be used in God's Glory! I believe God is guiding us all, we just have to listen and believe and mostly trust in his guiding way. He shows us the right path to walk, but if you're not listening you're going to be lead down the bad path, well not bad, but wrong path. Believing in God is the first step in salvation. Let God into your hearts and let him know you need his guidance, his love and he will love you unconditionally.

I believe in God, which has spoke to me a few times including the first Sunday of Lent. I believe he has touch me and has spoken to my heart, soul and mind. He is guiding me to full fill his work he has for me. God is telling me to go and tell everyone to believe, Yeah believe in his name. God, the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit. He is guiding us all to him. If you ask, he will give his unconditional love forever and even into eternity. He is just a call away. Ask for him to touch you and guide you in the path you should tread.

Listening to God, is something you should do. Think he gave you life, he gave you emotions to help you understand him more. Even Jesus had emotions. He cried, he smiled, he was glad and yes he even got depressed and lonely. But he knew he could go back to the Father, go back to be with his Father, our Father. GOD!

I ask you to believe, I ask you to have faith and trust. If you are feeling alone, lost and depressed and suicidal, ask God to make things easier to you, he can do just that. He is just a call away. Call on him, he will take the pain, just like Christ took the price of sin from the cup when he was crucified.

Remember: Jesus went to the cross, for your sins, your thoughts and feelings. He came and glorified the Father, making it easy as pie to go right to God once we die if we just have God in our lives and let him show you the way.

God's Commandments

God wants His children to be happy.  For this reason He gave us commandments and instructions to follow them.  Where you might ask. In the Bible, the Manual God gave us to understand his wisdom and guidance. I have never before understood the importance of following the Commandments in the bible. To me the bible was a old, out dated book with just jibberish of old men. Today I came into the knowledge of God and what his role in my life was going to be from now on, till I die and return to him.

I believe God has given us a precious book. The Holy Bible, a manual, a guide book to get back to him one day. If anyone lacks wisdom let him ask of God. This is from James in the new testament. Yeah, me Jools Alexander Xavier have realized that I want, no have to have in my life. You need to ask yourself, what does God have to do with my life and what I do with it. The thing is if you read and study the Holy Bible, you can get to understand why we need to not just read, and study this book, but prayer and use its teaching into our daily lives.

Christian Saints

Well now I'm fully awake and trying to figure out what the day has for me to do and experience. I started to hear the voice of reasoning and God. I started to research about the saints of all time. I found some interesting facts about some of the saints. Like I found out about the saint I chose to be my saint to always follow. St Clare Montefalco, also known as St Clare of the Cross. She was the one that spoke to me at the end of my R.C.I.A. classes before I was confirmed a full member of the catholic faith.

Think for a moment, if you are named after a saint, or you picked a name of a certain saint when you were confirmed or given first communion. Think, then look up about that saint and pray to God and your saint to give you guidance and know that saint is in you and believe in God and never forget the saints. They made it possible for us all to be able to believe, prayer and have the right to choose what religion we want, to choose to go to mass or church.

Tuesday Boredom

I woke up from a bad night, wanting to do something, but couldn't get the inspiration to write. I started to hear his voices again, like I have nothing better to do than listen to God's voice. Doesn't he ever stop? Well with me it seems he wants me to be aware and let people know he is there and if you want to have a closer look into your hear, soul, mind and body, he'll come to you too. Maybe I should get him to go to Suzie and she can deal with his voice and talking to her. But no it's me he talks to. Why me? Why not someone else?

Why me?
Well I believe he is talking tom be because he needs me to know of his thoughts and feeling about my life and the lives of others around me. Maybe if I had to think long and hard, I believe he is talking to me, to help me better understand the working of God and how he has always been with me throughout my life. I sure wish he go talk with my family, maybe get them to understand that I, yes I am free from them. Don't get me wrong, I love my family, but I also hate what they did to me. I know it had to happen, but part of me feels that maybe if I'd been adopted maybe I wouldn't be the strong person everyone believes I am today.

Why not someone else?
Well God made it so I was made into a strong arm of his mighty power. I believe he wanted me to experience things beyond my control, to make me a stronghold of his love, his unconditional love. Yes, I know. God does love his people, that includes you. We are loved unconditionally. Yeah, I know. I went through hell and back and know of others who have had the journey worse than me and not as bad as me too. I feel God is guiding me, showing me his mighty hand. wanting us all to know when we feel so alone, so lost, so afraid of what is coming and what has taken place. He is going to always be there, you are never alone. Yes, NEVER!

When you feel weak, alone, scared, afraid close your eyes, and ask God to come into your heart, body, soul and mind. To enter your body and help you deal with the issues you're faced with daily. Yesterday was a bad day for me. It was the day my grandmother died. I wish I could tell her, she is loved and I'd never forget her kindness and love.

Who is St Patrick?

Those who recognize St. Patrick's Day celebrate it very differently depending on where they're from, and believe it or not, it's the United States that has turned the Emerald Isle's namesake tradition into a huge party scene, when its original intent was to be observed as a religious holiday.

For thousands of years, Irish Catholics have traditionally celebrated St. Patrick's Day by attending church in the morning and celebrating in the afternoon with a huge feast, honoring Ireland's patron saint. Even though March 17 falls in the middle of Lent when Catholics were forbidden to eat meat, this was waived in Ireland for feasting -- mostly on cabbage and Irish bacon, according to

Saint_patrick3 Today, corned beef and cabbage is the traditional St. Patrick's Day meal, and in 2005, Americans consumed 2.4 billion pounds of cabbage, according to the U.S. Census Bureau.

But who was Saint Patrick? The truth is, much of his life is a mystery. One of the most famous legends of St. Patrick describes how he banished all snakes from the Emerald Isle into the ocean and they drowned. Philip M. Freeman, an expert in Celtic and classical studies at Washington University in St. Louis claims in his book, "St. Patrick of Ireland," that this legend is false.

What is known about St. Patrick is that he was born in England to wealthy parents near the end of the 4th century. At age 15, he was kidnapped by Irish pirates from his parents' estate in the Roman province of Britain, and sold into slavery in Ireland, where he spent six years in captivity, according to Freeman. After his escape, Patrick wrote in a letter of an "angel" speaking to him in a dream, telling him to become a missionary in Ireland, according to

After combing through two of Patrick's letters, Freeman confirms that Patrick attended training to become a priest in Ireland and was eventually made a bishop. He converted many of the Irish people from paganism to Christianity. St. Patrick is believed to have died on March 17, around 460 A.D., and many villagers across Ireland mourned his death on this day. From that, grew a celebration.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Lent: Repentance

Yes today was the repentance part of the Lenten season. I was not in a good mood this morning, but I knew once I got to church things would change. Yes, things did change. The ride to church with Lourdes and her daughter Robin were enjoyable. Lourdes always makes me smile and with her bubbly personality she brings God and his word into your hearts.

Today during mass, I felt sad and alone. I sat there thinking about many different things. First, Why is God talking to me? What did I do wrong? why can't he just get the heck out of my head? If these questions come to you, then you are lucky. Yes very lucky. At first I felt angry and annoyed that God had started to speak to me and tell me about things in my life that I had to endure. Why? I asked myself many times. Th answer is God has a plan for us all. He is going to carry you if you are weak and feeble. Yes we all have moment that make us weak and feeble.

First things first. Once I sat down in the chapel, I felt a presence enter me. It was like nothing I'd ever experienced before. I know at the beginning of Lent I had a vision and got the message. But today was way above that. Trust me I know. Yes I got the feeling of something enter my body, it was something that made me feel good. I closed my eyes and let my body experience the feeling. I then heard the voice, which voice you might wonder. The voice of God, who else... duh?

This voice talked to me, through thought. Yeah, I know why am I telling you this; I'm telling you this so you can get Gd to enter your mind, body and soul and listen to his word and feel his presence. Right, back to the thing I'm talking about right now.

During church, God told me what his plan was for me. I tried hard to get his voice out of my mind, but with no luck at all. Yeah once God has entered your whole body, mind and soul; your stuck with him forever. I have tried to get rid of him, but he is always there whenever I don't want to listen to his voice, his wisdom and knowledge. Anyhow, his words were, "You are going to be my messenger, my disciple. You are going to show others that I, God are guiding you to follow my commandments and show the world that I am coming. Plus I love annoying you a little, just like you do with Suzanne!"

I then thought, yes I do love annoying Suzie and the girls from time to time. But how did he know about my little schemes and plots to get Jordan and Emma on my side. I guess I connect with the young ones more than I do with the adults in my life. I believe God wants me to become a citizen, to get writing for him  and spreading the word through my writing and show the young ones of today that they need to know him and know he is there for them at all times.

It took me nearly forty years to find God and actually accept him into my heart, soul and mind, I guess also my body. Yes that too. Anyhow, Repentance is the best thing in our lives. If you give all your worries, problems and stresses that help you sin and do things that God wouldn't want you to. Then I say repent and let God bless you like he has blessed me. I won't admit it to the girls or anyone in my life, but I fell calm, collective and happy. Yeah, me saying I'm happy is something I've ever done before. I confessed my sins to God and I felt like a big weight was lifted from my heart. I had never forgotten about my biological parents and family. They hurt me in so many ways, plus the years of abuse I suffered.

I have found peace, yes peace. I can now accept God is in me and I can listen to his guiding words, thoughts and what he wants from  me. I have never felt so rich in love for myself before. But I do now. Yes I hope all people who have suffered abuse by the hands of parents, family and even friends. If you let God into your heart, soul, mind and body he will heal you completely. I want for anyone who reads this, to know God is the only way to go. If you are lost, pray for help. If you feel alone and afraid, pray for guidance. If you feel there is no way out of the abuse, pray for help and strength to get out the relationship and seek help. God is just a phone call away. Yes I believe praying for God's help, is like phoning him to chat and help you get guidance, strength, hope and reassurance. Just Ask GOD!

Poem - I'm a Survivor

That moment when I heard the door closing behind with all my memories inside, my heart stopped beating. I can't remember how I made it t...