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Showing posts from March 28, 2010

Good Friday - Easter - Sacrifice

I woke up this morning by my cat Emily jumping on me to feed her and our other cat Pacer. After feeding both cats, I felt something inside of me talking. It was a strange feeling inside, something I can't explain. Sitting on the couch, waiting on Troy getting up so we can get dressed and leave for my appointment with Pat at Adult and Child at 10am.


It's now 3:58pm and we've just been home for about ten to twenty minutes. Being out all day and without a drink or book to read while sitting on a bus, being in my wheelchair. Being in my chair most of the day, makes my butt hurt and it was causing my lower back to be in chronic pain. My pain levels were around a 11-12 working on a scale of 1-10 (10 being the worst). Now I'm trying to relax after a stressful day out and with annoying bus drivers and ignorance from drivers.


Anyhow, as today is Good Friday, which makes me think of the sacrifice Jesus did for us all. He gave his life up and raised again 3 days later. This was don…

Holy Thursday

Since being a catholic convert, I have never been to any Holy Thursday masses. Today was the first, and I was in terrible intense pain. The pain was like a 15(1-10 (10)being the worst) I was having bad pain, plus pain spikes every minute. I didn't think the pain could get any worse. It did when I told Troy I wasn't going to be able to go up for the Eucharist. Then I heard this voice, I looked around but the chapel was silent. I then heard the voice again. I looked at Troy, thinking he was talking with me, but no he wasn't. Then the voice said the same words yet again."Go up, this is part of your inner healing and outer healing."

I watched Father George and Deacon Kerry getting ready for the Eucharist. I got  Troy to pass me my walking sticks and I stood up, and the pain was so bad I thought I was going to die. I slowly walked to get communion. After I took the Eucharist and wine, I felt so much heat running through my body, I thought I was on fire. I walked and s…

Emptiness and Lost Feeling

It's just turned 12:53pm and I have had lunch. Now I am thinking about what is going to happen today. Since 2am, I have had feelings of emptiness, being alone, lost and anger. Losing a child is hard on anyone, but for me it's becoming a way of life. Giving everything up to God is always hard, but having him take your last child it makes me so angry, and furious about it. I know Paul is in a better place, and he is no in pain and is with God now. The only thing is I want him  with me, no somewhere I can't communicate with him.

Watching Troy on his computer is nice, he is relaxed and waiting to go visit his mom. I know she is going to be fine now the surgery is over with. Part of me wants her to die so Troy and his family can feel the pain I feel right now. I know this isn't very Christian of me, but it's how I feel right now. Don't get me wrong, I love Troy's mom and the rest of the family. The point is I have to lose and I believe someone else should too. T…

Thursday Lunchtime

This morning was rather okay, since I got a call from Angela. It was the news I'd feared. She called me around 2am my time. I had prayed the night before and hoped for a healing touch on my son. All through my life, I have had children, but it seems to me that I'm not meant to have children. I have lost Raven and Luke, Chelsea, Phillip and Michelle, Joshua, Keiran, Michael, and now my Paul has been taken. What am I to do now? Why God? Why take my children? Did I deserve to lose so many children?

I have thought long and hard this morning and wondered if there was a purpose for me losing my children. I just fear if I ever have any children with Troy, they will somehow die. I do have a strong belief in God, Christ and the Holy Ghost. But I fear I couldn't handle losing another child. Why am I doomed to always feel alone, lost and tortured. I believe in God, I let him into my heart, soul,mind and body.  This shouldn't be happening to me now. I am a good christ…

Surgery and Prayer

Today my MIL was taken to St Francis South Hospital to have surgery, to remove the cancer. I'm hoping she is going to recover quite well. I have been in constant prayer throughout the day. I am hoping God has plans for her to get well and become semi healthy. I just called Suzie, she is going to collect me and we are going to Helen's for the last Wednesday of the Lenten season. I have a funny feeling that tonight is going to be way spiritual for me, I even think God is going to get me praying again, which I'm getting used to now.

Praying is something I found hard and wasn't sure what to say in a prayer. During most meetings with the girls, I would pass and not want to pray at the end in front of them all. I was so embarrassed about them hearing me muddle along. I have never felt comfortable praying in a room with others around me. Not sure why, but I have always. Now since lent, I have become enriched in God's love and the Holy Ghost is administering to my soul, he…

Proverbs 3:5-6

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Proverbs 3:5,6 -  Trust the Lord with all your heart, and don't depend on your own understanding. Remember the Lord in all you do,  and he will give you success.

The verse above is one my favorites in the Old Testament. It helps me to remember I can't do it alone, without him I am nothing. Just a word of advice, let God guide you in the paths you tread. Think first, then ask God. If he tells you to go forward, go with hope and pride. If not, change your path and make sure God is guiding you. He made us in his image, which means he loved us enough to make us like him. He even sent his only son to come to earth to make a way to get back to him. Jesus died for us, so we could have everlasting life and go to heaven to be with God one day.


I believe during my search in life, I have found true happiness, but not by myself. I asked God and Christ to come into my heart, soul and body and show me the right way. I believe in him, will do anything I can to let others know I love God and he…

Little children, come unto me

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Look at this picture, what does it say to you? Think carefully for a moment, listen to your heart, your mind and spirit. Listen to hear the voice. Are you listening? 
When you listen to your heart, mind and body God will tell you his plan for you in his kingdom and how you can get there. For such a long time, I ignored the voice, I ignored the calling from him. Now I am alive with him inside me, yes inside. He touch me, he uses me, not in a bad way. In a good way. He is guiding me, to be his disciple and he is my guardian angel, guiding and letting me follow him into his kingdom.
Remember what he said to the two criminals either side of him as he hung on that cross dying. "You will be in my kingdom." Yes we can be there with him, you just have to believe, trust and obey him. It might be hard at first, but boy you'll be glad you did. I know I am glad, at time yes I get lower than the lowest. But then I try and remember God is in me, I just have to get him to make me feel be…

Tuesday Morning

Today has been a rather stressful morning so far. Yesterday was a complete nightmare. It's my anniversary to the first time I met my Troi. It's been a few months since he took his life and it made my life more difficult to manage, but I have survived. Yes, most people who know my, call me a survivor. why you might ask, well I'll explain below, just give a minute. Okay, give me a few minutes, I know Yes I know. God is in my head again and talking to me. I sure wish someone else could hear his ranting about what I should do for the day. Believe I hate it, but love it too...

My church friends and friend here in Indy know I am a survivor. I survived the many years of abused from the hands of my family and partners I had in England. I also survived cancer twice. Yes I know, I must me lucky. Yeah, the fact is God has told me he has a assignment for me to do, so I guess he'll never leave me alone till I've done my mission or job for him. But it has made me get a further u…

Palm Sunday Mass

While winding down on a lovely day, I feel so emotional right now. I have absorbed as much as I can from the Mass this morning at church. It was Palm Sunday and I feel it made me very emotional and touching this year. I feel this Lenten season has touch my heart and soul very deeply this year. Usually I go to a few massing during lent and miss Palm Sunday and Ash Wednesday. Not this year. The first Sunday of lent I had a vision and felt touched by God himself. I can't explain, but I just feel touched. 
Today, I was in terrible intense pain throughout my body, knew I wasn't going to be able to sit through mass. I wanted to say no not go, let Troy go on his own. But something prompted me to get dressed and go, even with the pain being the worse it had been this year. While in church, during the reading and the Eucharist, I felt something, or someone enter my body and touch my heart. Once again, I was without pain for nearly the whole service. I have never been without pain, ask m…