Friday, April 02, 2010

Good Friday - Easter - Sacrifice

I woke up this morning by my cat Emily jumping on me to feed her and our other cat Pacer. After feeding both cats, I felt something inside of me talking. It was a strange feeling inside, something I can't explain. Sitting on the couch, waiting on Troy getting up so we can get dressed and leave for my appointment with Pat at Adult and Child at 10am.

It's now 3:58pm and we've just been home for about ten to twenty minutes. Being out all day and without a drink or book to read while sitting on a bus, being in my wheelchair. Being in my chair most of the day, makes my butt hurt and it was causing my lower back to be in chronic pain. My pain levels were around a 11-12 working on a scale of 1-10 (10 being the worst). Now I'm trying to relax after a stressful day out and with annoying bus drivers and ignorance from drivers.

Anyhow, as today is Good Friday, which makes me think of the sacrifice Jesus did for us all. He gave his life up and raised again 3 days later. This was done so we all can get forgiveness of our sins and be able to to return to heaven and live with God and commune with him in everlasting happiness. This gives me a sense of relief and makes me proud to be a catholic and be able to choose my religion. I know that in some countries on earth aren't allowed to choose and worship their religion.

I have researched a lot about some countries on this planet, earth. There are some places believing and worshipping God and stating you're a Christian out aloud is a crime. Why are all these countries not allowing people like us worship God and also shout at the top of our lungs that God has saved our souls. I want to let the world know, living in the following countries we are able to worship God and be proud and shout out at the top of our lungs, that God saved our souls and his Holy Ghost is guiding us and showing us what a great thing God did for us. Letting his only begotten son come as man and die for our sins, so we one day can go up to heaven and be with God again.

Living In: England, Ireland, Wales, Scotland, America, Brazil, Russia, Spain, Holland, Germany, Australia, New Zealand, Hawaii, Canada, Belgium, France...

The above you're free to worship God and be proud to be Christian. I hope in time everyone around the world we can unite and be proud to be Christian. Right now I believe being Catholic is the right religion for everyone know that Jehovah witnesses, Mormons and other cult religions will know that God told us not to change anything in the bible. Jehovah Witnesses say Jesus died on a stake, with his hands crossed above his head with one nail through both hands. This makes me think that Jehovah Witnesses are misguided. It states in the bible that Jesus was on a cross not on a pole (stake) like the Jehovah witnesses state.

Then the Mormons, they are very misguided I believe. In the last books in the New Testament say to add no books of scripture to the bible. The Mormons have the Pearl of Great Price, Book of Mormon and the Doctrine and Covenence. I know about both these religions, is because when I was in England and going through a tormenting time in my life. I joined the Mormons, and studied with the missionaries and went oto church. I did this for a long time, about 2 years. I found that something was wrong. I started to smoke and was diagnosed with Asthma and Epilepsy. I started to take medications and drinking Pepsi to take  the pills. I was excommunicated for doing this. They told me I could remain in the church if I gave up drinking anything with caffiene in. I refused and left the church.

I moved to Margate, on the south east coastline on Kent a country in England. I meet some Jehovah Witnesses. I started to have bible study and learn a lot about the faith. I thought it was my place. Then he told me that I couldn't have a blood transfusion. I was shocked beyond belief. I stopped my bible study and tried to find another faith to follow. I tried learning from the Church of England religion, which wasn't for me either. I moved on and tried Methodist, Jewish faith and even Baptists. But all weren't the right religion for me. I need to find something that accepted me and felt good to be in that faith.

Nothing matched what I wanted. I was going to think of the only religion I hadn't thought of joining and being catholic. My family were catholic, so I knew they were bad. I then came to America. Met my husband and now I am a catholic and very devoted to my faith and friends. I am blessed with a new family, my husband's family. Friends more than I ever had in England and Ireland. It was like I was in heaven.

Now I have a faith as strong as solid rock. I have many friends, these friends, just didn't like me for what I could give them, but just friends because we liked each other. When I'm down, my friends are there to lift me up. When they are down, I help perk them up and pray for them if they or I are sick and low in spirit. I am in heaven. The only thing is, when I get to Heaven with God, I will have my hearts desire.

Warning: This post is my person experiences, not to offend any one for their beliefs and faith. I just wanted to state some things. I'm sorry if I have offended anyone... I love God and making new friends. Please don't take offence. Lisa Xavier.

Thursday, April 01, 2010

Holy Thursday

Since being a catholic convert, I have never been to any Holy Thursday masses. Today was the first, and I was in terrible intense pain. The pain was like a 15(1-10 (10)being the worst) I was having bad pain, plus pain spikes every minute. I didn't think the pain could get any worse. It did when I told Troy I wasn't going to be able to go up for the Eucharist. Then I heard this voice, I looked around but the chapel was silent. I then heard the voice again. I looked at Troy, thinking he was talking with me, but no he wasn't. Then the voice said the same words yet again."Go up, this is part of your inner healing and outer healing."

I watched Father George and Deacon Kerry getting ready for the Eucharist. I got  Troy to pass me my walking sticks and I stood up, and the pain was so bad I thought I was going to die. I slowly walked to get communion. After I took the Eucharist and wine, I felt so much heat running through my body, I thought I was on fire. I walked and sat down and closed my eyes and just let my heart feel God and the Holiness of the mass. Not sure what to say or do, I just told myself, God is present and he is entering me. Just then, I heard the voice. Saying "You are going to heal. Both inner and outer the body. You are my child. I am your Savior. Believe in me, and talk with me daily. I will start to heal you." Then the voice went and then service was over. Mass was done.

I walked out to see if Suzie was going to be there to run us home. Helen was going to be back-up in case Suzie wasn't there. While standing by Troy, the pain level went from 15 down to a 8. I was at ease and I felt God inside me. It was so amazing. I have a greater feeling inside, my faith is growing daily. My strength is getting better and I'm feeling I can deal with anything, I mean pain wise, I have God and I know he works in me. I feel alive in his blood and body. I now know God is alive and in me via the Holy Ghost. Sorry Americans, it's the Holy Ghost in England and Ireland, so be it. If you don't like it, tough luck. {big grin and giggles}

Emptiness and Lost Feeling

It's just turned 12:53pm and I have had lunch. Now I am thinking about what is going to happen today. Since 2am, I have had feelings of emptiness, being alone, lost and anger. Losing a child is hard on anyone, but for me it's becoming a way of life. Giving everything up to God is always hard, but having him take your last child it makes me so angry, and furious about it. I know Paul is in a better place, and he is no in pain and is with God now. The only thing is I want him  with me, no somewhere I can't communicate with him.

Watching Troy on his computer is nice, he is relaxed and waiting to go visit his mom. I know she is going to be fine now the surgery is over with. Part of me wants her to die so Troy and his family can feel the pain I feel right now. I know this isn't very Christian of me, but it's how I feel right now. Don't get me wrong, I love Troy's mom and the rest of the family. The point is I have to lose and I believe someone else should too. The pain I feel inside, I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. But part of me wants someone else to feel pain, to be depressed and feeling alone.

I have read some scripture this morning, trying to see light were I see darkness. But every single scripture I read, is about death and resurrection. I know in time I will rejoin my children in heaven. I know they are happy, in no pain and waiting on me. But the thing is I want to be with them now, not later. I know Angela is going to do what is best for her and the kids. I doubt I'll ever see my grandchildren. I feel so lost and empty, I want out right now.

The point is I do feel so low, and empty. But I know God is in me, working his way to help me deal with his grief and anger I have in my heart right now. I have been praying all morning in the silence of my heart. I just want to feel at peace, that Paul is with his family up in heaven. Maybe in time I will want to write about how much my children strengthened me and touch me during their time with me.

It's time to write, to write my memoirs and some Christian fiction or Catholic fiction, even maybe a gay fiction story too. I need to get inspired and to do that I need to feel at peace. Which I don't feel right now. Maybe I will let Troy read how I feel and maybe he'll help me find peace, who knows what today will bring to me and help me settle my heart and be happy once again.

Thursday Lunchtime

This morning was rather okay, since I got a call from Angela. It was the news I'd feared. She called me around 2am my time. I had prayed the night before and hoped for a healing touch on my son. All through my life, I have had children, but it seems to me that I'm not meant to have children. I have lost Raven and Luke, Chelsea, Phillip and Michelle, Joshua, Keiran, Michael, and now my Paul has been taken. What am I to do now? Why God? Why take my children? Did I deserve to lose so many children?

I have thought long and hard this morning and wondered if there was a purpose for me losing my children. I just fear if I ever have any children with Troy, they will somehow die. I do have a strong belief in God, Christ and the Holy Ghost. But I fear I couldn't handle losing another child. Why am I doomed to always feel alone, lost and tortured. I believe in God, I let him into my heart, soul,mind and body.  This shouldn't be happening to me now. I am a good christian, and firm believer.

I hate life right now, not sure what to think or feel. Just right now I feel so numb and empty. My partner Troy, is spending time on his computer. I want to cry and scream at the same time. I know being angry at God isn't the way to go. But I just think my life is doomed from the get-go. Since being in Indiana, I have joined a church, go regularly to church, I made friends. I did the C.R.H.P. retreat and now I am barren, no children, no family to inherit my fortune. When I get one that is...

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Surgery and Prayer

Today my MIL was taken to St Francis South Hospital to have surgery, to remove the cancer. I'm hoping she is going to recover quite well. I have been in constant prayer throughout the day. I am hoping God has plans for her to get well and become semi healthy. I just called Suzie, she is going to collect me and we are going to Helen's for the last Wednesday of the Lenten season. I have a funny feeling that tonight is going to be way spiritual for me, I even think God is going to get me praying again, which I'm getting used to now.

Praying is something I found hard and wasn't sure what to say in a prayer. During most meetings with the girls, I would pass and not want to pray at the end in front of them all. I was so embarrassed about them hearing me muddle along. I have never felt comfortable praying in a room with others around me. Not sure why, but I have always. Now since lent, I have become enriched in God's love and the Holy Ghost is administering to my soul, heart and mind. I believe God has something for me to do, but I have to feel comfortable to pray, sing and do anything in the company of others.

People around me are seeing a change in the way I act and do things now. I don't see a difference, but I believe maybe I am changing, but for good I hope. Now the surgery is over and my MIL can heal and become anew in God. I want to become anew in God too. I have found that with my MIL having surgery and getting diagnosed with cancer, has made me get a closer connection with God. He is telling what I am to do and say around others, which makes it easier to pray and talk around others at church and my close friends.

If you feeling alone, lost and without hope. Pray. Yes Pray. Prayer is the first thing you should do. Pray for God and the Holy Ghost to enter your body, mind and heart and he will administer to you. Not sure why, I just believe God is working in me right now. I feel his presence inside me. I feeling so refreshed and alive with his love. I have come to know he forgives me for all my transgressions. I have also forgave my family and anyone who hurt me in anyway in my past. If you forgive others, God will forgive you.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Proverbs 3:5-6

Proverbs 3:5,6 -  Trust the Lord with all your heart, and don't depend on your own understanding. Remember the Lord in all you do,  and he will give you success.

The verse above is one my favorites in the Old Testament. It helps me to remember I can't do it alone, without him I am nothing. Just a word of advice, let God guide you in the paths you tread. Think first, then ask God. If he tells you to go forward, go with hope and pride. If not, change your path and make sure God is guiding you. He made us in his image, which means he loved us enough to make us like him. He even sent his only son to come to earth to make a way to get back to him. Jesus died for us, so we could have everlasting life and go to heaven to be with God one day.

I believe during my search in life, I have found true happiness, but not by myself. I asked God and Christ to come into my heart, soul and body and show me the right way. I believe in him, will do anything I can to let others know I love God and he is my Savior. Let God and Christ into your heart, he will guide you, show you the right way to be saved by his blood shed on the cross for your sins and mine too. 

I ask you to do one thing before the day is over with, pray. Yes, Prayer is the only way to know God and have him in your life and make sure you always talk with him when you need, plus when you feel you can handle things on your own. We need to keep God in our mind, and soul. How do we do this? By asking God daily into your soul and heart, let him guide you every single day of your natural born life. 

Little children, come unto me

Look at this picture, what does it say to you? Think carefully for a moment, listen to your heart, your mind and spirit. Listen to hear the voice. Are you listening? 

When you listen to your heart, mind and body God will tell you his plan for you in his kingdom and how you can get there. For such a long time, I ignored the voice, I ignored the calling from him. Now I am alive with him inside me, yes inside. He touch me, he uses me, not in a bad way. In a good way. He is guiding me, to be his disciple and he is my guardian angel, guiding and letting me follow him into his kingdom.

Remember what he said to the two criminals either side of him as he hung on that cross dying. "You will be in my kingdom." Yes we can be there with him, you just have to believe, trust and obey him. It might be hard at first, but boy you'll be glad you did. I know I am glad, at time yes I get lower than the lowest. But then I try and remember God is in me, I just have to get him to make me feel better. 

Just think for a moment, Jesus said to go to him, not as we are. But as children. we are his children, his brother and sister. God to him and he will love you, care for you and guide you. Ask for him to come into your heart, soul and body. he will guide your feet and you'll go on the right path and success in your life. I have never felt good at anything in my life, but now I know I'm a good writer, okay my grammar sucks a little, but I am getting there. He is helping me, giving me the tools to be a writer. 

We can't do it alone, we need God, Jesus and the Holy Ghost in our lives, ask him to enter and you'll feel such a relief and happiness or just relaxation that God is there, carrying you if you're too weak to make the steps yourself. Love him, let him guide you. He made you, you are wonderful in his image. No matter if you're gay, lesbian, trans or straight. You are what you are because God make you this way.

Tuesday Morning

Today has been a rather stressful morning so far. Yesterday was a complete nightmare. It's my anniversary to the first time I met my Troi. It's been a few months since he took his life and it made my life more difficult to manage, but I have survived. Yes, most people who know my, call me a survivor. why you might ask, well I'll explain below, just give a minute. Okay, give me a few minutes, I know Yes I know. God is in my head again and talking to me. I sure wish someone else could hear his ranting about what I should do for the day. Believe I hate it, but love it too...

My church friends and friend here in Indy know I am a survivor. I survived the many years of abused from the hands of my family and partners I had in England. I also survived cancer twice. Yes I know, I must me lucky. Yeah, the fact is God has told me he has a assignment for me to do, so I guess he'll never leave me alone till I've done my mission or job for him. But it has made me get a further understanding of God and my catholic beliefs.

Being a convert to the catholic faith, was a journey of discovery and delight at the same time. I can still remember the questions I'd ask Mary or Dave about what I believed and what the catholic faith people believed. Anyhow, I want to thank them for their help in understanding the sacraments and other things that make up the catholic faith. Now sure, but ever since Lent started I have been filled with the Holy Ghost and I feel it guiding me to the right path and how to become closer to God and Jesus.

If you ever feel alone, scared and lost, ask God for guidance, love and understanding. You'll receive that trust me. I have ten fold. Today, when I went back to the St Blog Parish, which is a site, where many catholic people or groups link to other blogs and sites about the catholic faith and you know.. yadda yadda.

Anyhow, I have been reading some the blogs on there and they touch me, I can't explain it, but when you feel touched by an angel, you'll know. I believe in God, Jesus and yes, I know and Angels. I believe I have a guardian angel and I believe everyone has one. It's just up to the individual to listen to there angel speak to them.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Palm Sunday Mass

While winding down on a lovely day, I feel so emotional right now. I have absorbed as much as I can from the Mass this morning at church. It was Palm Sunday and I feel it made me very emotional and touching this year. I feel this Lenten season has touch my heart and soul very deeply this year. Usually I go to a few massing during lent and miss Palm Sunday and Ash Wednesday. Not this year. The first Sunday of lent I had a vision and felt touched by God himself. I can't explain, but I just feel touched. 

Today, I was in terrible intense pain throughout my body, knew I wasn't going to be able to sit through mass. I wanted to say no not go, let Troy go on his own. But something prompted me to get dressed and go, even with the pain being the worse it had been this year. While in church, during the reading and the Eucharist, I felt something, or someone enter my body and touch my heart. Once again, I was without pain for nearly the whole service. I have never been without pain, ask my friends and family. It was an amazing service and I feel God is guiding me through St Mark Church, to be a better catholic and be a prayer warrior. 

Wednesday evening meetings with my C.R.H.P. sisters is good. We talk about our week, then read scripture and then from the book from church and it for the Lenten season. I believe Suzie Q might be right, I have turned into a prayer warrior. I can't explain it, but when I feel the need to prayer, I hear the words of what I should say. it's like God is prompting me and guiding me in prayer. Lately I've been praying for Barbara, Helen and Michelle. I believe in the fact God answers prayer if you ask and pray with a sincere heart. 

If you want forgiveness, prayer, with a contrite spirit and a sincere heart and you'll get the answer to any prayer. But remember one thing, it's in God's time not our time. We have to understand that God is there guiding and showing us the right path to follow. Believe me when I say he is there, just ask him to enter your heart, soul, mind and body and he will come. I believe he  is there for me and my friends. I know believing in God can be hard and frustrating at times. But he is there listen to his words, but to be able to listen to God, you have to believe and have faith.

Faith and understanding go hand in hand with having a Christian background helps too. If you feel alone, feeble or weak in anyway, just ask God to help, he will come if you just ask him. Ask and you will receive, knock and the door will open. Remember to read your bible daily and pray about what you read and use it into your daily lives.Without God you have no hope, no love, no reassurance of happiness.

Ask yourself one question. Does God want me? The answers is Yes. God wants you, he loves you unconditionally. He has opened his arms, and all you have to do is run to him and he will wrap his loving arms around you. Carry you when your weak, be there when you feeling lonely and scared. He is there, let him into your heart. Trust me, he is there, you just have to ask and believe. You'll know once you feel his presence in your heart and body. Let the Holy Ghost guide you back to God.

Poem - I'm a Survivor

That moment when I heard the door closing behind with all my memories inside, my heart stopped beating. I can't remember how I made it t...