Thursday, April 15, 2010

Blessings from God

Over this last week, I have been having trouble believing in what Amy said at our C.R.H.P. meeting which was at Chela's home. Anyhow, I came out to them asking for help to get together with them to get the money for my citizenship test. I felt like no one cared, but the words of Amy stuck in the back of my mind. She told me by Memorial day I would be a citizen. This was annoy and conflicting with what I believed as fact. At this time we had $500 in our savings account. Which was for citizenship.

Finally I cracked down and cried. After we had to take $300+ out of our saving to put in our chequing account to be able to pay rent. Anyhow I cried every night for days. This was something I never told my partner. Anyhow, my therapist told me to ask the church. I finally prayer last week and wrote a long email to a lot of my church friends, plus father and deacon. Anyhow, I been getting emails back from one lady that kept me believing that God existed and he was there for me. Well two ladies at first, now my whole church family and friends.

Now the church is going to help us pay for citizenship test filing the forms. I know we have to pay the money back. But I feel it's a gift from God. He made me wait till the right time. I don't know how to explain this, but it's true. I said a long prayer of thanking to God, Christ and everyone at church who has put up with my moaning, annoying bad humor and anything I just blab about. Plus Suzie Q always gets me bratting out like no tomorrow. So I thank God for my church and family and friends in Indy and I'm glad to be alive. I'm glad to actually feel happy and not feel guilty about being happy.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

God's Will

It's now 4:12pm and I'm listening to some music videos on Listening to some songs by Martina McBride. The songs had nice music, but the words spoke to me. It was like something I can't explain. Listening to the words, while watching the music video of that song, it was like I had it great. The world is full of people who had things worse than me.

At times, I look at my church friends, and their lives they live. I look at my partner and the things I put them through since we got married on 10 November 2005. A lot of things have happen in the last five years. I came to America to find happiness. At first I didn't want happiness, I needed to find someone who was going to abuse me like my family, for e.g. my stepfather, my grandparents, Taryn, my mother and Janet. They had hurt me in so many ways. At first sight, my partner was a look alike of my grandfather at his age. I could explain it, but I kinda wanted my partner to be exactly like my grandfather.

From day one, I got angry, throwing punches, and cursing and pushing their buttons to get them to raise a hand against me in anger. But till this very day, I have fail. Which now I'm glad. First I wanted to be hurt as I was so used to the hurt and pain. I even had an old fashioned school master's cane.

Anyhow, this song touch me, spoke to my heart and soul. We have to realize that what happens in our lives happens because of God's Will not ours. He created us, and he shows us his love, even if you go through hell and back. It is because he wants to make you strong to follow him and become a better person.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Jesus Fact or Fiction (DVD Title)

The title of this post, tells everything you need to know first. I believe God Jesus and the Holy Ghost are truth and were indeed fact. The DVD - Jesus Fact or Fiction - Inspiration Films in San Clemente CA, USA. I suggest you get this DVD and pray about the DVD films and information on this DVD disc. It truly enlightened my belief and faith.

The title of this DVD, shows that people have unanswered questions about the truth of Jesus existence. If you are a true christian and have a belief in God and Christ you will already know Christ was the son of God and he came to earth to be the sacrifice so we one day can return to heaven and be with God and Christ and have his unconditional love and the guidance of his wisdom.

The fiction part of the title, well I just thought this was stupid and ridiculous. Think about it for a moment, think hard and concentrate. Ask yourself a few questions...

How did you get on earth? What is your purpose in life? How did it become that you got the right to choose from doing good to disobeying your parents, family and teachers either in school, church and in your workplace? What is your purpose while on earth? Do you believe in God, Jesus and the Holy Ghost as fact? Why are were we created to be born, live and then die?

The point of those questions is that God gave us the right to choose between right and wrong. If it was left up to Satan, Lucifer, Devil and the Beast. He would have not given us the right to choose. God knew when he created us, we needed to learn from our mistakes. When Adam and Eve were tempted by the snake(Satan) God would ban us from being able to connect with him like he was there beside us. Think for a  moment, contemplate what it would have been like to never be sad, feel pain, get sick or even die. God wanted that for us since he created Adam, then Eve.

What a marvelous thing. Just try to imagine what it would be like to not feel pain, never be sick, always be healthy and free. This is something what God had created us for. When Adam sinned and then we were born with that first sin. For myself, I'm always in constant pain, with my legs, back and in my head. Each day I wake up, I know pain. I mean real intense pain. I have to always be home and not go out. When I do want to go out, I have to go in a wheelchair most of the time because I can't walk. My lets walk, yes, but with each step I'm sending constant intense pain throughout my body, which means I have to sit and not walk far. My church friends talk to church via car or SUV. I would love to be pain free, but that isn't possible.

Think for a moment and think what it would be like to be in a beautiful garden, were all the flowers and trees and every living animal communing together.  Lion will lie with bear and either will attack you. It will be like they're your pet, your best friend. You could eat and never go hungry, drink and never thirst. To have your entire family, friends all together and never having to say goodbye or watch them die in pain. This will be what Heaven is like. What a wonderful feeling that would be. Yes I believe this is what heaven is like and it's a wonderful feeling to be able to go there one day and be with God and Christ.

Realization of Gender Dysphoria

 Today I woke up, I totally identified as male. Then My church friend turned up and I knew if I went to church, everyone would identify me as the gender of this body, female. I am having a hard time dealing with the issues of the body being the wrong gender. It is like I have no way to be me. Each time I look into a mirror, touch my chest, go to the bathroom; it all says I'm female. Then I just burst into fits of anger, and then the tears coming flowing down my cheeks. It's torture.

Talked to my partner and roommate. Sharing a house with Mel, is delightful. She has such a gentle and sweet nature. She sees me as male and not what the body looks like. Which is nice. Then it comes out. They are never going to change and it makes me realize maybe I'll never get the chance to change and have the outside look and match the inside. Each day is like having to look at a image in a mirror and having it always lying to you. You feel and act like a man/boy buut you look like a female/girl. This is quite common these days.

In this day and age, transgendered children/adults are more comment than they were when I was a child. Now in these times, 2010 children are getting to chance to change there gender once being diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria. When I was a child, I knew by the age of nine, I was different. I knew I was born into the wrong body so to speak.

What is meant to happen in the womb, is a child is conceived and started to grow. During the growth process in the womb, a baby is given male and female hormones. But then there is a break up and in transgendered children they get given more of the opposite hormones and that means the genitals start growing, but in the mind, heart and soul of the growing child is also given the right hormones and growth processes and they child feels male or female in all ways, but the gender is totally the opposite once born. If this talks about how you feel, seek help from a therapist or councellor.

Back in the early 1970's when I was born, it was not common and it was rare for this to happen. The thing back then if you changed your gender and had children. The children were taken from you and put into the foster care system. This is what happen to me, well sort of. My father was a MtF(male to female) and had surgery and hormones to become a woman. My father left me at the age of four and I never saw him till I was sixteen.

Now I faced this during my life. I was born female, but identify as male. It's like a nightmare, but you have to watch people say things to you eg. {Hello Miss, Can and I help you Ma'am} in places like stores and libraries and other common places. Since the age of eighteen, I haven't owned a skirt, dress or underwear of females. I dress in male clothes, I have my hair short and bind my chest. Hating what I see in the mirror, but knowing due to my physical health issues, I can't get onto T(Testosterone) or have SRS(Sex Reassignment Surgery).

I'm now 41, living in America and away from my biological family. My partner's family, to know I'm married to. They are devoted Catholics and go to church weekly for mass. I converted to be a Catholic to see if that would rid me of these feelings of being trapped into a body that I can't deal with having. But I became to get closer connection with God, and made some good friends at out local church. The only thing wrong, is I'm male through and through. Wanting to come out and tell the world I'm not who they think I am. I'm Jools not Lisa. But I have to realize that is something I can't change. I've been told I can go back to England and get onto hormones and have surgery done. But I would have to give up my friends I have in America.

Today I knew I had to be alone, as my partner had to work. Feeling alone and frightened, lost and without hope. This is always how I feel when I'm with people or not. I want my girls from church to know I'm a man, I want them to know what life is like inside and outside for me. When will this time come.. I just don't know.

Poem - I'm a Survivor

That moment when I heard the door closing behind with all my memories inside, my heart stopped beating. I can't remember how I made it t...