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Showing posts from April 11, 2010

Blessings from God

Over this last week, I have been having trouble believing in what Amy said at our C.R.H.P. meeting which was at Chela's home. Anyhow, I came out to them asking for help to get together with them to get the money for my citizenship test. I felt like no one cared, but the words of Amy stuck in the back of my mind. She told me by Memorial day I would be a citizen. This was annoy and conflicting with what I believed as fact. At this time we had $500 in our savings account. Which was for citizenship.

Finally I cracked down and cried. After we had to take $300+ out of our saving to put in our chequing account to be able to pay rent. Anyhow I cried every night for days. This was something I never told my partner. Anyhow, my therapist told me to ask the church. I finally prayer last week and wrote a long email to a lot of my church friends, plus father and deacon. Anyhow, I been getting emails back from one lady that kept me believing that God existed and he was there for me. Well two lad…

God's Will

It's now 4:12pm and I'm listening to some music videos on youtube.com. Listening to some songs by Martina McBride. The songs had nice music, but the words spoke to me. It was like something I can't explain. Listening to the words, while watching the music video of that song, it was like I had it great. The world is full of people who had things worse than me.

At times, I look at my church friends, and their lives they live. I look at my partner and the things I put them through since we got married on 10 November 2005. A lot of things have happen in the last five years. I came to America to find happiness. At first I didn't want happiness, I needed to find someone who was going to abuse me like my family, for e.g. my stepfather, my grandparents, Taryn, my mother and Janet. They had hurt me in so many ways. At first sight, my partner was a look alike of my grandfather at his age. I could explain it, but I kinda wanted my partner to be exactly like my grandfather.

From d…

Jesus Fact or Fiction (DVD Title)

The title of this post, tells everything you need to know first. I believe God Jesus and the Holy Ghost are truth and were indeed fact. The DVD - Jesus Fact or Fiction - Inspiration Films in San Clemente CA, USA. I suggest you get this DVD and pray about the DVD films and information on this DVD disc. It truly enlightened my belief and faith.

The title of this DVD, shows that people have unanswered questions about the truth of Jesus existence. If you are a true christian and have a belief in God and Christ you will already know Christ was the son of God and he came to earth to be the sacrifice so we one day can return to heaven and be with God and Christ and have his unconditional love and the guidance of his wisdom.

The fiction part of the title, well I just thought this was stupid and ridiculous. Think about it for a moment, think hard and concentrate. Ask yourself a few questions...

How did you get on earth? What is your purpose in life? How did it become that you got the right to …

Realization of Gender Dysphoria

Today I woke up, I totally identified as male. Then My church friend turned up and I knew if I went to church, everyone would identify me as the gender of this body, female. I am having a hard time dealing with the issues of the body being the wrong gender. It is like I have no way to be me. Each time I look into a mirror, touch my chest, go to the bathroom; it all says I'm female. Then I just burst into fits of anger, and then the tears coming flowing down my cheeks. It's torture.


Talked to my partner and roommate. Sharing a house with Mel, is delightful. She has such a gentle and sweet nature. She sees me as male and not what the body looks like. Which is nice. Then it comes out. They are never going to change and it makes me realize maybe I'll never get the chance to change and have the outside look and match the inside. Each day is like having to look at a image in a mirror and having it always lying to you. You feel and act like a man/boy buut you look l…